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| You will never be Him. - Reddit |
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Howdy, Farmhands!
On my extensive list of crimes for which I must be punished, including "Being a Sonic Fan" and "Being Born a Sagittarius", I'm afraid to admit that I am also a "90's Kid." You wouldn't know what I'm talking about unless you're also one, as I have been told that only fellow 90's Kids are capable of remembering the era. The decadence of capitalist consumption that was arguably the highlight of 1980's American culture continued to grow, with technology advancing faster and faster every year. The window of time between the black and white screened Gameboy in 1989 and the explosion of Social Media in the early 2000's remains a quaint and fondly remembered period in my heart. Is there a moral problem with elevating what was just a series of sales pitches and propaganda to a pedestal of worship? Probably. Anyway,here's a d20 list of silly doodads reminiscent of that era to toss into your fantasy elfgame of choice.
Until Next Time,
Farmer Gadda
- Trample-ines - A pair of shoes suspended from a frame by stretchy rubber straps. Increase your jump height by half your movement, but all movement otherwise is halved.
- Deflated Inflatable Couch - Used to be all the rage. You can spend a round to inflate it, at which point it becomes Bulky. Inflated Inflatable Couches are buoyant or can be used as a shield for +1 Armor, after which it is destroyed.
- Spray Can of Cheese - Legally considered "edible." When cheese is dispensed, roll 1d4, on a 1, the can is empty. If the can is punctured or heated, it will explode and deal 1d10 (blast) Cheese Damage, turning a 10 foot radius into sticky difficult terrain
- Skip-This - A popular children's toy with a small hoop on the end of a thin pole, connected to a ball. Stat as "Heavy Mace"
- Virtua-Mon Keychain - A digital display featuring an 8 bit creature. Mostly eats and poops. It is a universal agreement that the care of this creature is more important than life or death; once per day you may "time out" any altercation for 1d4 rounds to check in on the little guy.
- Beanie Bauble - Plush toys filled with harmful plastic nuggets. Arguably valuable, cannot be stacked. If attempting to remove one from your inventory for any reason other than Fatigue, roll 1d4. On a 4, you find yourself unable to part with it. You may not try to remove it again for 1 full day.
- Skateboard - Movement is doubled on regular terrain, but quartered anywhere else. Can be used as a 1d6 bludgeoning weapon. You may spend a turn to do a "Sick Trick" (Dex Save) and grant any ally who saw you do it Advantage on their next turn.
- Surfboard - Bulky. Buoyant. Also Stat as "Heavy Mace"
- A Whole Vending Machine - Bulky. Once used to dispense Soda cans. Can be restocked with up to 9 Soda Potions, which can be retrieved by spending 1 Currency. Also also Stat as "Heavy Mace"
- Silvered Tape Roll - You can do pretty much anything with this. Not sure why there's even any text here.
- Gift Booklet of Burger Coupons - At specific chain restaurants, you can trade these in for one whole meal comprised of side dishes and desert options. Might as well just give them Cash.
- Trubble Bubble - A roll of chewing gum in bright fruity flavors. You can blow a bubble to elevate yourself up to twice your jump distance, after which it loses its flavor.
- Pastel Hank Notebook - 70 pages of lined, hole-punched paper bound with a metallic spiral. The front cover depicts a cartoon animal with exaggerated eyes and way too much glitter. You have no idea who the titular "Pastel Hank" is.
- Super Ranger W/ Karate Action - A plastic figure with a lever on it's back that activates a swinging arm function. Once per day, it may be used to demolish an object that could be described as "A Wall", "Wooden Boards", or "A Rock," but only if the user yells "HIYAH."
- Pizza House Menu - A trifold paper pamphlet detailing the foodstuffs available at a long-retired restaurant. Party members that can approximate a Phone may call and place an order, which will arrive via courier regardless of geographical location in 30 minutes, after which the pamphlet becomes useless.
- Dial Up Internet Disc - Inexplicably interfaces with 1 Magic Item to connect it to the World Wide Web for up to 10 free hours. (D10 Usage Die). Beyond email and search engine usage, it also makes The Noise whenever you attempt to use the item normally.
- Those Cups With The Cool Swoosh Design - You know the ones. Each holds 18 oz of fluid. Emptied, they can stack up to 100 in a single slot.
- Wind Breaker - A jacket made of bright, pastel patches of fabric. While wearing it, you are physically incapable of going unnoticed, but you gain +2 to Reaction checks.
- EeZee Bake Oven - A tiny replication of the actual baking implement. The accompanying recipe book is vague and only partly written in a recognizable language. Any party member that spends 20 minutes pantomiming the actions of "baking a cake" with any available organic material will produce up to 6 bite-size servings of what appears to be genuine pastry.
- Cellular "Date Nite" Telephone - The plastic casing around this device is Hot Pink with a squishy gel antenna. Attempting to dial a number will connect you with your Soul Mate (whatever that means), though the connection is shaky and could blip out at any minute. Alternatively, stat as "Heavy Mace."
