d50 Fantasy Crop Table

 

Also known as "thank god these bitches are horny for fresh produce"
Don't actually watch this, please.

This post and others like it are made possible by members of my Patreon, where you can see Game WIPs and Previews of future blogposts a week early! Thank you in particular to WonderWalleye for your continued support!

Howdy, Farmhands!

    I'm a big fan of the Isekai genre, warts and all. For both the Protagonist, and the Audience, it's a chance to bumble upon facets of a world that's wild and new, while said facet is already comfortably set in it's place in the world. A good Isekai considers the ramifications of it's fantastic differences between itself and what we consider "normal", and an even BETTER Isekai takes those ramifications and makes them interesting problems for the hero to solve. There's not a lot of Good Isekai, to be clear.

    This comparison, the fantastical and the mundane, is something that can be deployed on your ttrpg players too! If you give them an Apple, they'll toss it in their pack as a ration. Give them an Apple that Tastes like a Hamburger, suddenly it's a memorable quirk of the campaign. It's a puzzle without actually being a puzzle - What could be done with this thing that's so familiar and yet so different? Enterprising parties will get creative, which might derail the game for a Fruit-based WcDonalds chain OR just convince them to finally engage with the cooking rules you've been pushing.

    Additional Reading -

• GrinningRat's "Dungeon Food"
• Prismatic Wasteland's "Cooking Minigame" 
• Throne of Salt's "Unified Food Theory"  
  

    Until Next Time,

        Farmer Gadda

d50	This looks like...	-except it's...	-and it's served...
1	Cantaloupe	Grows as large as a house	Fried in Butter
2	Apple	an Odd color (1d4: Red, Yellow, Orange, Pink)	Basted and Grilled
3	Pear	an Odd color (1d4: Blue, Purple, Green, Teal)	Baked as a Casserole
4	Peach	Covered in Fuzz	Baked as a Pie
5	Yam	Covered in wood-like Bark	Boiled Whole
6	Pineapple	Covered in a Stone-like Shell	Roasted with Meat
7	Kiwi	Oblong Shaped	atop Pasta
8	Lemon	Cube Shaped	Breaded and Fried in Oil
9	Cucumber	Grows tiny as a berry	Boiled and Mashed
10	Butternut Squash	Odd Markings (1d4: Striped, Spotted, Mottled, Iridescent)	Stuffed and Baked
11	Carrot	Odd Markings (1d4: Spikes, Pockmarks, Lumps, Cracks)	Chilled
12	Cauliflower	Triangle Shaped	in a Smoothie
13	Parsnip	Covered in Pollen	as a Garnish for Drinks
14	Corn	got a Dry Texture	Mixed with sugar and water as a popular Summer Drink
15	Tomato	got a Juicy Texture	as Popsicles
16	Artichoke	Gourd Shaped	as Barbeque
17	Radish	got a Crisp flavor	in a Stew
18	Rhubarb	Got a Minty flavor	as Stock for Soup
19	Garlic	got a Creamy Texture	mixed with Crushed Ice
20	Potato	Got a Chewy Texture	Frozen into sheets of Bark
21	Rice	got a Sweet flavor	Sliced and on Sandwiches
22	Wheat	got a Smoky flavor	as is, just bite into it!
23	Barley	Got a Tangy flavor	Cubed and paired with Cheese
24	Pumpkin	got a Sour flavor	Grated as a Seasoning
25	Tea Leaves	got a Bitter flavor	in Aged Cheeses
26	Cherry	tastes just like (roll again on Previous Column)	Julienne'd
27	Avocado	got a Gelatinous texture	Chopped into Sticks and dipped in sauce
28	Apricot	got a Meaty texture	Thickened into a Condiment
29	Banana	got a Crunchy texture	Covered in Cheese and Broiled
30	Beet	got a Soft texture	Pickled, sometimes as a relish
31	Strawberry	Root-Legged (Attempts to run away when Harvested)	Canned in Sweet Syrup
32	Blueberry	Camouflaged (Blends in with it's natural surroundings)	Dried into Jerky
33	Cranberry	Shrieking (Harvesting it causes an ear-splitting noise to erupt)	Smoked over a Fire
34	Blackberry	Poisonous (Improper handling will make you sick)	Frozen and cut into Cubes
35	Grape	Cursed (Spiritual energy latches onto improper harvesters, sapping their strength)	Heavily Salted
36	Watermelon	Singing (Emulates a gentle song)	Sundried into Crisps
37	Mango	Violent (Includes teeth or claws and will fight back)	Fermented into Alcohol
38	Orange	Domesticated (Mimics the behaviors and mannerisms of a Pet Cat)	as a Jelly
39	Plum	Mocking (Repeats noises it's heard)	as a Jam
40	Coffee Bean	Flying (Delayed harvesting results in the crop flying south for the winter)	ground into a Flour
41	Tulip	Only Grows in the light of a Full Moon	as an Extract
42	Sunflower	Only Grows within Deep Caves	Boiled into a Paste
43	Rose	Grows submerged in Water	Thrice Baked into dense Cubes
44	Daffodil	Grows on a Trellis	Stretched like Taffy
45	Dandelion	Grows buried in the Ground	Whipped like Cream
46	Ginger	Grows on the branches of a Tree	Mashed into a Sauce
47	Coconut	Grows on a tall Stalk	Pressed to extract it's Juice
48	Mushroom	Grows in spreading Vines	Crushed into a Powder
49	Jalapeno	Grows around Decay and Rot4	Chopped into a Salad
50	Leek	Only Grows on a Leyline	Used as a Garnish

 

Fish of the Nether - for the Nether Depthcrawl

Fish want me, I fear Women, something along those lines

     The following is an adaptation of an existing Minecraft Mod, "Nether Depths Upgrade". For the sake of this project, some details have been omitted or changed, and this write-up does not reflect the functionality or design goals of the original mod. Permission to use these concepts has been acquired from the Author, though no assets or code may be reused. Please support the artists and coders by giving the original mod a try the next time you play Minecraft.

Also, this Post was partly written as a thank you for a generous monetary donation that arrived during a moment of need! The Farmhand requested that in lieu of a bespoke post, that I put the energy into completing a fun draft! 

Thank you so much for your support, Suzy!

Howdy, Farmhands!

    You wanna go... fishing in the Nether? I mean, you could, with a Rod and Line capable of handling the heat. And despite the Nether oceans being filled with Lava, a number of fish-like creatures seem to thrive there. So sure, cast that line, see what you reel in!

 

    As I'm sure your system of choice already has a fishing minigame to use, I'm not going to offer any mechanics or procedures here. Just a simple d10 table, and data on what's swimming about down there. If I were to give you Advice, however, I'd suggest using a d6 instead of a flat d10, and have the quality of the Rod and Bait add bonuses to aim for the more valuable and larger fish on the tail end of that table. Whatever you choose, I hope you have a fun and relaxing time, taking a fishing trip in Hell.

Until Next Time,

    Farmer Gadda

Fishing Table

Roll 1d10	Result
1	Lava Pufferfish
2	Obsidianfish
3	Searing Cod
4	Bonefish
5	Blazefish
6	Magmacubefish
7	Glowdine
8	Soul Sucker
9	Fortress Grouper
10	You've caught a BIGGUN! Roll on this table again, increasing the catch's Size Rating by 1!

 

Fishing Bestiary

 

Any fish that drops "Itself" leaves behind enough to count as 1 Ration per Scale Category. If it's drop is (Bulky), roll 1d4 + Scale Category to determine how many Rations it can make once prepared.

Also, as I have been very lazy with drawing out the fish, some entries will use placeholder art made by a member of my Discord Server. Thank you for enabling me, Discord User FishFondler

 

Lava Pufferfish	Scale: ★  Drops: Itself
	A Pufferfish.                                                           It's Red.

Obsidianfish	Scale: ★  Drops: Itself, Obsidian Scales
	A pitch black fish with searing red eyes. It's dorsal fins cut through the lava, making it look like a hellish shark.

Searing Cod	Scale: ★  Drops: Itself, Charcoal
	A long, orange fish that is somehow as warm as the lava  you fished it from. In the open air it produces smoke as it's temperature burns the surrounding atmosphere.

Bonefish	Scale: ★  Drops: Bones
	A fish made of bones. How is it alive and moving? Can you even eat this?

Blazefish	Scale: ★  Drops: 1d4 Blaze Rods
	A lamprey-like fish with 4 blaze rods rotating around it. You don't want to know what it's like to have one of these latch onto you.

Magmacubefish	Scale: ★  Drops: Magma Cream
	A Magmacube that developed fins and a fish tail. Otherwise, it's a regular Magmacube. It looks ridiculous.

Glowdine	Scale: ★  Drops: Itself, Glowstone Dust
	A small and thin fish with scales made entirely of glowstone fragments. It's value lies in the usefulness of it's glow as there's not a lot of meat on it.

Soul Sucker	Scale: ★  Drops: Itself (Bulky)
	A fish who's skin camouflages it against the sand of the Soulsand Valley. It's eyes burn with an unnatural blue light. It eats remnants of soul energy off the Lava Sea floor. It's scales can be tanned into a leather-like material, which retains the necromantic properties of the original fish.

Fortress Grouper	Scale: ★★  Drops: Itself (Bulky), Nether Brick Scales
	A MASSIVE Goldfish with a protective mask on it's face made of Nether Brick. The scales on it's face can be used to craft Armor